Tangled Web

Deceptions of a transgender guy

Word

24 Comments

Word /wəːd/ (noun)  “… a unit of language, consisting of one or more spoken sounds or their written representation, that functions as a principal carrier of meaning.”

Coincidence or not, but today a year ago, I had published a post, The power of Words. And I am still on that “principle carrier of meaning”.

On a recent trip to a remote branch, my team and I stopped at a farm stall. They got rid of their shopping adrenaline, while I walked the Labyrinth in the garden.

It felt peaceful, and I did find clarity in the realization that I had not made peace as I thought I had.

Yesterday morning, a fuel pump attendant called me “ma’m” and last night, a waitperson said, “Goodbye, ladies,” as we were leaving a coffee shop.

“I can’t stand this any longer,” I spewed through clenched teeth. Next to me, B turned into an ice berg.

I felt despair and utter loneliness and fervently wished I were a word, so that I could be qualified:

                 Kris (disambiguation)

Then I realized: I am a word. Ambiguous.

“Two words. Three vowels. Four consonants. Seven letters. It can either cut you open to the core and leave you in ungodly pain or it can free your soul and lift a tremendous weight off you shoulders. The phrase is: It’s over.”
― Maggi Richard

It needs to be over. Soon.

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Author: Kris

Hi! I'm Kris. I live in South Africa with my life partner of 27+ years, whom I call B or Madam in my posts. We have a Pug dog child, Remi, also known as Pooch, who has graced and enriched our lives for the past 12 years.

24 thoughts on “Word

  1. Oh man, that hurts! Being she’d and mam’d and ladied. It hurts deeply and leaves you bleeding inside. And meanwhile, you put a smile on you face and pretend like all is well. At least, that’s what I do. Most of the time. Until I can take it no more and erupt into a string of expletives that no lady would ever utter.
    Just hoping things will get better for you mate. It’s all I can do.

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  2. Closer and closer, that moment creeps, eh? … big hugs.

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  3. Oh I’m so sorry. I think it’s important to have the words to ‘speak yourself into existence’. I hope you find the right ones and that your heart will rest easier in time.

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    • Thank you so much for your comment. I’m looking for those right words, I promise. All you people’s kind words have made it easier. Take care.

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  4. Big bear hug to you Kris!!

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  5. Whether it is said nicely, or with sarcasm, the Ma’am and Ladies stings deep. I wish I had a comeback for you, but I am also left partially speechless each time it happens to me.

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    • I understand that they work in a service industry and it is meant to convey respect / be polite, but that makes it worse if you think just how deeprooted the habit is. To change or eliminate it, is virtually impossible. But Don Quixote valiantly slays on…

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  6. My heart bleeds a little as I hear your pain and I wish there were words I can say to make you feel better. Wishing you all the best!

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  7. Kris … Ouch. Ambiguity is a difficult place to be esp when it isn’t what fits. A no longer friend accused me of liking confusing people with my gender. I’ve thought a lot about this and realize it’s not so much that I like it as that I have accepted it sort of. I am still she’d maybe 30-40% of the time. Few that know and love me have embraced my preference for they them their and go to he, some still she me. He fits better than she but still isn’t me. So far I have gotten good at not giving people’s gendered impressions a lot of energy internally. When I am she’d in public places it recently began putting a knot in my gut. So still not totally embracing. I know it’s harder for you as you do identify as male and are being held back from manifesting that truth. Wish I could drop a nut from the Bodhi tree onto Bea’s head and awaken her to the truth of you such that she no longer fears and instead fearlessly supports. Strength and courage to you my friend as you struggle with your truth and how to live it.

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  8. Words, even the most powerful ones, seem inadequate here. Wanting to tell you how much your words mean to me. Wanting to express acknowledgement, support, sympathy for your pain. Sending {{{hugs}}}

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  9. I am sorry you are experiencing so much pain, Kris, but I hope many lucid moments like this propel you forward.

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