After the iceberg formed, the meltdown came. For both of us and in different ways.
Every time I tried to broach the subject of taking testosterone, B would turn into an iceberg – until a while ago when she melted and told me she feels bad for not being able to make peace with me going on T. She said she was trying to make sense of it all, but admits struggling with it. This admission alone, validated my being trans* for the first time in our relationship and we were able to talk about the way forward. In the meantime, I have been down all side roads on my own private journey to peace. I have been asking myself, Why me? And not being a selfless person, I could not get to asking, Why not me? Why was I born in a body I cannot accept? I will probably never know why. So, not being able to get to the Why?, I have been struggling with the How?
I had never read Viktor Frankl’s Man’s search for meaning. My reading of the book at this time, is the merging of those roads along which I have walked over the past months. And I think, I hope, I believe, I can now say that I have reached the last stage of my grief: acceptance.
I quote Frankl: “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. Our greatest freedom is the freedom to choose our attitude.”
He also argues that each situation in life presents a challenge and a problem to solve. We should not ask what the meaning of our life is, but recognize that life asks the question of us. This question we can only answer by being responsible for our own life. I quote Frankl again, “… responsibleness (is) the very essence of human existence.”
Hmm. Quite a bit to chew and digest. And I have been chewing and digesting. I need to stop seeing myself as a martyr. Those dark shades I have used to view my journey, has to go. I need to put on my funky shades and act responsible.
I have never been a woman and I will never be a man. As my friend Shawn so eloquently writes, “I want to be seen as myself, so the first step is to be myself, not some stereotypical resemblance of a man.” In many ways I have cast off the mask and cloak I have been wearing for most of my life and untangled the web of deceit I had woven to protect myself against the world. I look at the world differently – bedamn how the world looks back at me. I am no more a vulnerable, ugly fledgling – I have turned into a peacock. I need to live, not merely exist, and if that is in an in-between world, it is okay. It is my world. It too has a fascination of its own, the most important aspects of it being freedom and peace.
And I salute all the trans* people who have done and are going all the way or decide to stay somewhere along the rainbow path.
“I would rather be ashes than dust!
I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry-rot.
I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet.
The function of man is to live, not to exist.
I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them.
I shall use my time.” ― Jack London