Tangled Web

Deceptions of a transgender guy

Tango

Only the Dance

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I have this Vesuvius of anger in me, a smoldering inferno that threatens to erupt. Before I hurt myself and others, I need to cope with it and find the answer a currently very elusive question: When will enough be enough?
Anger
I am ANGRY for not having been able to tell my first love how I felt about her, while stuck in a girl’s body.
But then again, she might not have looked twice at a shy, bespectacled nerdy boy with mousy hair who writes weird poems.

I am ANGRY for being kicked under the butt by the first woman with whom I had an intimate relationship.
But then again, I might not have met B and have had a stormy, but caring long-term relationship that still lasts despite my mid-life crises – yes, crises – I am not content with only one.

InfernoI am ANGRY for the years I had lost pretending to be a woman, trying desperately to fit in while dying inside.
But then again, now I have empathy with the whole spectrum of sexual orientation and gender identity and expression.

I am ANGRY for progressively losing my hearing.
But then again, I am so much more aware of other people with disabilities’ needs and fears.

I am ANGRY about humans abusing and neglecting animals, those who cannot fight back and are so dependent on humans for love and care.
But then again I am throwing in my ample weight into being a volunteer for an Animal Rescue Charity and making a difference in a few animals’ lives.

I am ANGRY… and so the list continues.

I have been able to find the flip side to many facets of my anger, but I am still working on accepting the main source of my frustration that sparks this immense outrage – being tethered by my gatekeeper, preventing me from going on T. I want to believe there is a reason for this, but I am still on that quest for this elusive Holy Grail –  what Aristotle called nous poetikos, roughly translated as“conscious insight”.

A friend asked me if being on T would not make the anger worse. Everybody’s experience differs, but from what I have been told and read, T in general resulted in peace and contentment for most of the guys who started on this journey.
Signposts

The same friend recommended Living your unlived life: coping with unrealized dreams and fulfilling your purpose in the second half of life by Robert A. Johnson and Jerry M. Ruhl. The authors argue, “… when you choose one thing, you always ‘unchoose’ something else. The unchosen thing is what causes the trouble. If you don’t do something with the unchosen, it will set up a minor infection somewhere in the unconscious and later take its revenge on you”.

Hmm, we are on the same page there.

They then argue that you need to do something physical to ‘incarnate’ the energy of your unlived life, without ‘acting out’, or living out inner urges externally and physically. They recommend ‘active imagination’, which does not mean living your ‘fantasies’ (what I would term needs) in a literal way, but to symbolically express them. Uhm… here I run into trouble – I have or think I have a need to express myself as a guy externally and physically. And then we are back at the frustration and anger. I tried writing, encapsulating Kris in a character in a story. It helped me a lot to explore all my unlived emotions, parts and traits and become more me. But it wasn’t, isn’t, enough to arrive at my destination.

“We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time. ~ T. S. Eliot”

Compass and map

I am still lost and do not recognize the place yet. I need to explore more, but I am currently stuck at a point that the same T.S. Eliot calls, There is only the Dance.

“At the still point of the turning world. Neither flesh nor fleshless;
Neither from nor towards; at the still point, there the dance is,
But neither arrest nor movement. And do not call it fixity,
Where past and future are gathered. Neither movement from nor towards,
Neither ascent nor decline. Except for the point, the still point,
There would be no dance, and there is only the dance.”

I think – hope – I am making progress on my desert journey. I know I should choose to learn from the Dance, without guilt or regret, an appreciation of the courage of those who have transitioned and are in process. I need to awaken to who I am and take responsibility for my life, my situation, but I first need to clear my vision to see my destination, even if the truth seems like a terrible letdown. And I am really having a hard time getting there. I am still clinging to a dream.

Enlightenment

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Author: Kris

Hi! I'm Kris. I live in South Africa with my life partner of 27+ years, whom I call B or Madam in my posts. We have a Pug dog child, Remi, also known as Pooch, who has graced and enriched our lives for the past 12 years.

14 thoughts on “Only the Dance

  1. Maybe you ARE awake to who you are, and you’ve given your ‘gatekeeper’ permission to keep you away from that person, and maybe that’s part of the rage, eh?

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  2. I can only hope that someday you will look back and see that the anger is what motivated you to act (toward becoming your true self).

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  3. I am also angry about the lost years, and I do not want to sit here smouldering over the present and the future. You are who you are and you can’t suppress it any longer.
    Have you considered doing all the blood work and tests to determine if you can get T (even though B is against it)? I was kind of surprised when I went through the steps to find out that I can’t get T until I get my cholesterol down. As you said, there are a lot of hurdles and we’ve all got arthritic knees.

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    • That might be an idea to get the blood work and tests… Will have to work on B for that as well, as she is our Financial Director and the medical aid is handles by her. I don;t want to resort to underhanded techniques, although I have considered it, to be honest. Yeah, that damn arthritic knees.. Take care, Jamie and a hug to Gracie.

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  4. I hear your pain and I wish I could do something. I really do.
    If my “little mole” (one of the naked babies) were with you he would jump up on your lap, sniff your nose intensively for a while and then mindfully lick it. If you feel really bad he will first put his paws around your neck to ensure that you can’t get away from his treatment. It helps me every time to regain my focus (well, it’s hard to do anything else with a dogs nose in your face) and calm down. Once I’ve regained my inner peace I think about all the things I’m grateful for. I know we’re not in the same boat and I hope that you find peace one day.
    Hugs and nose licks from the whole family! Take care my friend.

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    • Thank you, Fredrik – I so wish your little mole could submit me to that loving treatment! I am grateful that you are not in the same boat and follow your journey with interest and joy for you. I am hopeful that that peace will descend on me. Till then, Pooch’s fat, warm body against mine is a huge consolation and B’s love and care is my foundation. I do not blame her for her resistance, I know its source. The hugs and nose licks are much appreciated, You take care too and I am blessed that you call me friend.

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  5. If it helps any to know, I’m still angry too. Even now after being on T for a few years. It still bubbles up when I’m ignoring my inner truth or hiding it. I find that action of some kind, even just confessing what is going on with someone helps a bit. I think a lot of us are walking volcanoes of fury over the crap hand we were dealt. Finding the positive is helpful. Positivity and action. Action helps a lot. You’re a man. Men act.

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    • As long as I don’t beat the crap out of anybody, hey, Shawn? 🙂 Yes, it helps to know you are still angry after being on T. Your and the rest of the tribe’s journeys enlighten me. Take care, bud.

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  6. I think it’s good that you are able to see the flip side. The positives hidden beneath the negatives. All of the things that you have been through make you the wonderful, unique person you are today. Keep keeping on, friend.

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  7. once again and still, our lives parallel. I know I am constantly a hair’s breath away from fury. people have asked me the same question about T and I do worry. how can my anger be worse or my patience thinner?! but what if really being me, who I really am, could alleviate some of the frustration? trying to live in the moment. yet the moment is both so long and so fleeting. sigh

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    • I wish I could say ‘hang in there’ and be positive about it. Part of the anger is negativity and despondency. But I do wish the best for you, Hali – that you may get over the hurdles, so that I can cheer you on. Take care.

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