I have this Vesuvius of anger in me, a smoldering inferno that threatens to erupt. Before I hurt myself and others, I need to cope with it and find the answer a currently very elusive question: When will enough be enough?
I am ANGRY for not having been able to tell my first love how I felt about her, while stuck in a girl’s body.
But then again, she might not have looked twice at a shy, bespectacled nerdy boy with mousy hair who writes weird poems.
I am ANGRY for being kicked under the butt by the first woman with whom I had an intimate relationship.
But then again, I might not have met B and have had a stormy, but caring long-term relationship that still lasts despite my mid-life crises – yes, crises – I am not content with only one.
I am ANGRY for the years I had lost pretending to be a woman, trying desperately to fit in while dying inside.
But then again, now I have empathy with the whole spectrum of sexual orientation and gender identity and expression.
I am ANGRY for progressively losing my hearing.
But then again, I am so much more aware of other people with disabilities’ needs and fears.
I am ANGRY about humans abusing and neglecting animals, those who cannot fight back and are so dependent on humans for love and care.
But then again I am throwing in my ample weight into being a volunteer for an Animal Rescue Charity and making a difference in a few animals’ lives.
I am ANGRY… and so the list continues.
I have been able to find the flip side to many facets of my anger, but I am still working on accepting the main source of my frustration that sparks this immense outrage – being tethered by my gatekeeper, preventing me from going on T. I want to believe there is a reason for this, but I am still on that quest for this elusive Holy Grail – what Aristotle called nous poetikos, roughly translated as“conscious insight”.
A friend asked me if being on T would not make the anger worse. Everybody’s experience differs, but from what I have been told and read, T in general resulted in peace and contentment for most of the guys who started on this journey.
The same friend recommended Living your unlived life: coping with unrealized dreams and fulfilling your purpose in the second half of life by Robert A. Johnson and Jerry M. Ruhl. The authors argue, “… when you choose one thing, you always ‘unchoose’ something else. The unchosen thing is what causes the trouble. If you don’t do something with the unchosen, it will set up a minor infection somewhere in the unconscious and later take its revenge on you”.
Hmm, we are on the same page there.
They then argue that you need to do something physical to ‘incarnate’ the energy of your unlived life, without ‘acting out’, or living out inner urges externally and physically. They recommend ‘active imagination’, which does not mean living your ‘fantasies’ (what I would term needs) in a literal way, but to symbolically express them. Uhm… here I run into trouble – I have or think I have a need to express myself as a guy externally and physically. And then we are back at the frustration and anger. I tried writing, encapsulating Kris in a character in a story. It helped me a lot to explore all my unlived emotions, parts and traits and become more me. But it wasn’t, isn’t, enough to arrive at my destination.
“We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time. ~ T. S. Eliot”
I am still lost and do not recognize the place yet. I need to explore more, but I am currently stuck at a point that the same T.S. Eliot calls, There is only the Dance.
“At the still point of the turning world. Neither flesh nor fleshless;
Neither from nor towards; at the still point, there the dance is,
But neither arrest nor movement. And do not call it fixity,
Where past and future are gathered. Neither movement from nor towards,
Neither ascent nor decline. Except for the point, the still point,
There would be no dance, and there is only the dance.”
I think – hope – I am making progress on my desert journey. I know I should choose to learn from the Dance, without guilt or regret, an appreciation of the courage of those who have transitioned and are in process. I need to awaken to who I am and take responsibility for my life, my situation, but I first need to clear my vision to see my destination, even if the truth seems like a terrible letdown. And I am really having a hard time getting there. I am still clinging to a dream.