Tangled Web

Deceptions of a transgender guy

Dead end road sign

Conundrum

15 Comments

what if i had cancer? i ask
will you let me have chemo?
yes, she says
why? i ask
because i don’t want to lose you

i am trans. i have dysphoria, i say
will you let me take T?
no, she says
why not? i ask
because i don’t want to lose you

but you can go ahead and take it, she says
and then? I ask
you will lose me

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Author: Kris

Hi! I'm Kris. I live in South Africa with my life partner of 27+ years, whom I call B or Madam in my posts. We have a Pug dog child, Remi, also known as Pooch, who has graced and enriched our lives for the past 12 years.

15 thoughts on “Conundrum

  1. Weird insn’t it? Your loved ones will support you in any which way if you have cancer, or a heart disease or whatever. But when it comes to going on T – because frankly you need that to be able to live a full life – not all of them are quite as supportive anymore.

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  2. I think the chemo is a good metaphor. You are dying inside, and she needs to let you try it to see if it is the elixir that you need. I don’t know what hoops you have to jump through medically in South Africa to get T, but maybe you can wear her down with low dose gel to start (and to prove that you won’t turn into a scary Werewolf?). I know you have thought about this over and over, but maybe B would agree to a trial period so you could see how you felt (I keep thinking about how I would do this with Donna – who has different issues but issues none the less).

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    • Shawn has suggested I contract with B for a trial period, but she does not even want to bargain. If only we could discuss it rationally, but it is such an emotionally-laden issue. She says she fears it will change me, but will not elaborate, so I don’t know if she fears the Teletubbie (purple one of course) will change into King Kong. I hope you make headway with Donna and that she at least is prepared to discuss it with you. I keep hitting the iceberg and am starting to feel like the Titanic. Take care, Jamie.

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  3. Oh, the lines we draw. I hope the two of you can reach the other side safely.

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    • We will reach something, bruised and bloodied maybe, but I am determined to at least find the atom of her resistance before the bomb blows. Glad you are back, missed your posts.

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  4. Ouch. My heart hurts reading this. I hate that this has to be an issue. That people have such preconceived notions of gender that if we live as trans we push against those gendered ideas. Hang in there. And Kris your happiness is important however u need to get there. Don’t let go of u for us. Without u there really is no us. And hope hope B comes around.

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  5. No to T and yes to chemo…… a sad place to live in.

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  6. Very moving.

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  7. Beautifully said but so sad

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