Seeing a photo of the transgender Aydian Dowling from FTM Magazine, had the green-eyed monster overpower me instantly.
Not much later, I saw the photos of 10 handsome men who were born female.
While wrestling the monster down, my internal dialogue sounded something like this:
Me: “You wanna look like that?”
Myself: (shrugging) “Yeah.”
Me: (laughing uproariously) “What?! You think starting out an endomorph will miraculously end up as a mesomorph?!”*
Myself: (after a long silence) “I guess not. Okay, okay, I know I won’t.”
Some consolation comes from hearing a song from my childhood again recently. Little Boxes was written and composed by Malvina Reynolds in 1962.**
“Little boxes on the hillside,
Little boxes made of ticky tacky,
Little boxes on the hillside,
Little boxes all the same.
There’s a green one and a pink one
And a blue one and a yellow one,
And they’re all made out of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.”
Even after top surgery, I am still voyeuristically looking at males around me (clothed!) and the more I look, the better I feel. I see very few males who can compete with Aydian. Granted, I don’t frequent gyms, but most of my fellow South Africans, regardless of race, seem to have permanently lost their waistlines and are looking more and more like those ‘little boxes all the same’.
No matter how much I would like my body to look like Aydian’s, it never will. And even though the Kris in my mind has a body which is similar to Aydian’s, my outward manifestation will never mirror the inner one. I just have to settle for being one of those little boxes. Even though in my mind I will always be an imposter.
* Psychologist William Sheldon labeled body-types or somatotypes with the words “endomorph”, “mesomorph” and “ectomorph”.
** Little Boxes became a hit for Pete Seeger in 1963.