Tangled Web

Deceptions of a transgender guy

Little Boxes all the Same

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Seeing a photo of the transgender Aydian Dowling from FTM Magazine, had the green-eyed monster overpower me instantly.
Not much later, I saw the photos of 10 handsome men who were born female.
While wrestling the monster down, my internal dialogue sounded something like this:

Me: “You wanna look like that?”

Myself: (shrugging) “Yeah.”

Me: (laughing uproariously) “What?! You think starting out an endomorph will miraculously end up as a mesomorph?!”*

Myself: (after a long silence) “I guess not. Okay, okay, I know I won’t.”

Some consolation comes from hearing a song from my childhood again recently. Little Boxes was written and composed by Malvina Reynolds in 1962.**

“Little boxes on the hillside,
Little boxes made of ticky tacky,
Little boxes on the hillside,
Little boxes all the same.

There’s a green one and a pink one
And a blue one and a yellow one,
And they’re all made out of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.”

Even after top surgery, I am still voyeuristically looking at males around me (clothed!) and the more I look, the better I feel. I see very few males who can compete with Aydian.  Granted, I don’t frequent gyms, but most of my fellow South Africans, regardless of race, seem to have permanently lost their waistlines and are looking more and more like those ‘little boxes all the same’.

No matter how much I would like my body to look like Aydian’s, it never will. And even though the Kris in my mind has a body which is similar to Aydian’s, my outward manifestation will never mirror the inner one. I just have to settle for being one of those little boxes. Even though in my mind I will always be an imposter.

Not like the others

Notes:

* Psychologist William Sheldon labeled body-types or somatotypes with the words “endomorph”, “mesomorph” and “ectomorph”.

** Little Boxes became a hit for Pete Seeger in 1963.

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Author: Kris

Hi! I'm Kris. I live in South Africa with my life partner of 27+ years, whom I call B or Madam in my posts. We have a Pug dog child, Remi, also known as Pooch, who has graced and enriched our lives for the past 12 years.

8 thoughts on “Little Boxes all the Same

  1. It was a hit for Pete Seeger because Malvina Reynolds had a terrible voice (but was a good song writer).
    One of the hard things about being over 50 is accepting that I will always look like I am over 50. When I look at 50+ “dudes” it is not a pretty picture, and it helps me feel better about myself. I may not have 6 pack abs, but normal 50 year old guys are more likely to have a beer belly. I’m in decent shape for my age, and that is the best I can do.

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  2. I read that article in FTM Magazine. I think it speaks to many, just not those who label themselves as ‘transgender.’ Peace.

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  3. I don’t know how it is that I haven’t been following your blog but I’ve fixed that now. Sorry about that bud.

    I know I went through a mourning phase early on for the fact that I will never be a handsome young man. It’s disappointing but true and I just had to let it go. I was a young man once but didn’t get to live it the way I would have liked. Now I see that it’s not so bad to be a middle aged guy. Yes, our mid sections are not six packs…more like a little keg (hehe) but there are some nice looking middle aged guys out there too. Media loves young people but I find mature attractive in their own way too. You just have to be you Kris and love the Kris that you are.

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    • Happy to have you back and healing fast, hopefully. 🙂

      Yes, I guess the keg is here to stay and that I should make peace with that. It’s not as if I want to be a Casanova! I’ve got B and pooch and they love me, keg and all. I guess some dreams from my youth (being Robin Hood or Lancelot) is still smouldering. But what would life be without dreams, hey? 😉

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      • I don’t know why you can’t still be Robin Hood or Lancelot if you want to. I don’t know about where you live but here in the states there are groups of people who dress up and re-enact all kinds of historical periods. Plus, there’s Halloween and if B is up for it there’s always home…wink, wink. I say let that little boy out to play once in a while if you can. It’s all pretend anyway whether we’re 5 or 55.

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