“Hi, I’m Kris. I’m a trans guy.” I will probably never utter these words aloud to another human being. And I will just as probably never be called by my chosen name by my partner, friends or family.
I have been marginalized all my life, for different reasons. Being overweight, wearing glasses, being too intellectual, being asocial, being shy… and since a number of years ago, for being hearing impaired. To top it off, I accepted being transgender. It is a heavy and miserable burden that never should have been a burden in the first place, had we lived in a perfect society.
I’m not emotionally strong enough to fight on two fronts. I am caught up in a battle of laws and prejudice against disabled people already and I live in an alienated, mostly silent world. I have a daily struggle with spoken words – trying to hear what my colleagues are saying, what is being said on television and on the radio – just so that I can exist in this crazy, demented world. I am involved in a prolonged, tiring struggle through my union to get HR and my manager to just reasonably accommodate my impairment, as is required by law, and I am running into walls of bureaucracy, insensitivity and disinterest. All I want to have, is to be validated as a human being who has different needs. Dammit, can that be so unreasonable to expect???
I have no more fight in me to attempt a dual battle to be validated as male. To be rid of breasts I never could call my own, has given me more self-fulfillment than I had experienced in 40+ years of my life. Living as an androgynous being for the rest of it, will have to be enough. The spider will keep on spinning its web.
I’ll just call myself Kris.