Tangled Web

Deceptions of a transgender guy

Schmidt house

Post-Christmas letter to Santa


You overdressed blob of lard Dear Santa

I know you normally get “Thank you” letters after Christmas, but this is definitely not one of them, so don’t chicken out and delete it before reading to the end.  You owe it to me, dammit.      

I know I forwarded a cartoon calling you a fat, judgmental bastard to another person. Okay, a few people.

Santa letter

And I photo-shopped photos of my, B and pooch’s faces onto the bodies of two of your elves and a reindeer for a Season’s Greetings card.

Should I rather have drenched the jam-roly-poly of the traditional trifle dessert in sherry than in fruit cocktail syrup?



Did you expect me to leave you a tot? I thought you were into milk and cookies – not that I ever leave you any. By the way, for a man of your age to still drink milk and eat cookies at every house you visit, is frankly disgusting. When last have you had a good look at yourself naked in a mirror or asked Mary Christmas what it feels like sleeping next to a beached whale? I mean, can’t you just drop off milk and cookies in countries like Ethiopia?

Were these incidents instrumental to you having the fridge pack up on Christmas Eve?! Just after we finished preparing the cold meats and salads for Christmas dinner and stacked the wine to cool?

Did you enjoy watching us from your slay up-there-somewhere as we traipsed with cool bags loaded with the Christmas dinner, to stack the fridge of the neighbours, who, thank heavens, left their home keys with us for the holidays?

Did you have a good belly laugh, ho ho ho, as you observed us carting the whole Christmas dinner back, bag by bag, from the neighbours’ fridge? I bet your day, no year, would have been made had their alarm gone off and we would have had to explain to the security company why we were emptying the fridge of people away on leave, having brought our own cool bags with us!

I hope you find satisfaction in the knowledge that this Christmas is the most expensive one EVER, with us having to buy a new fridge. And that on the day after Christmas when all the delivery people are on leave! So there will be a steady to-and-fro till Monday as we trample a footpath between ours and the neighbours’ house. Having fun, hey?

Okay. Let’s put this behind us and make a deal. I won’t ever circulate cartoons making fun of you again, and you will never get your revenge in such an underhanded, sneaky way again.

Fine. That’s a deal, then.


PS.  Yes, I did put out baked beans for the reindeer. And no, I will NOT foot the bill for your psychiatrist. I hope you have nightmares for all eternity.

Santa in therapy


Author: Kris

Hi! I'm Kris. I live in South Africa with my life partner of 27+ years, whom I call B or Madam in my posts. We have a Pug dog child, Remi, also known as Pooch, who has graced and enriched our lives for the past 12 years.

12 thoughts on “Post-Christmas letter to Santa

  1. Sorry, but I’m laughing. Not at your misfortune, but your writing is just brilliant! I love your sense of humour. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • You may laugh, Liam, humour gets me through misfortunes like this one. 🙂 The new fridge arrived today, so we made one last trip to cart the rest of the perishables back. Seeing in the new year with a cold beer – from our own fridge, hallelujah! Happy 2015, I trust your folks will get used to the new you. Take care.


  2. Hey Kris, wanted to let you know I selected you for another round of Very Inspiring Blog Award! You can go to my latest blog post for details…


  3. Major suckitude! Hope you never have to buy another fridge again. Great story though. 🙂


    • Thanks for your comment. I am not shaming people who struggle with weight, captainglittertoe. I myself am XXL, and so is my partner – according to “norms.” I am (trying to poke/) poking fun at stereotypes, having been the receiver of such labels all my life. I am sorry for offending you. Thanks for the link – yes, bullying of “otherwise,” including obese people, is a sad reality. Some of us deal with the “sticks and stones” through humour. Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I don’t mind bring the “bad guy” and telling kids thst Santa and the Easter aren’t real. I think it is an absolutely horrid idea that we tell such lies to our kids. Yet, when I explain to others that I do indeed believe in nymths and faeries, satyrs and fauns, and dæmons (local spirits), they think I am crazy. Not fair…