Tangled Web

Deceptions of a transgender guy

Banana DNA

On being 50% banana

38 Comments

You’ve probably heard that we humans share 98.8% of our genes with some chimps and that we share 50% of our DNA with a banana. Well, I must confess, I’ve used my 50% banana brain to make a decision.

Actually, it’s more of a case of I’ve used the 60% of my brain that I share with a Fruit Fly. Sort of a no-brain decision.

No brainWhen I started this blog, it was just before my appointment to see a surgeon for my breasts-to-chest operation and I needed an outlet for my cropped up emotions badly. My partner has emotional issues herself, being major depressive and have acute anxiety on top of that, so she is already overburdened emotionally (with cupboards full of childhood trauma baggage). I could not expect her to carry some of my load as well. She was hugely supportive of me going for the op and that meant the world to me already. My decision not to broadcast my transitioning as well, put me in a position where I could not discuss the whirlpool of emotions inside me. It’s a lonely road. Hence this blog.

This blog has given and is giving me a forum (if only for myself) to vent a lot of my uncertainties, fears, hopes and dreams. And reading about other trans people’s journeys and shared emotions, made the road so much smoother.

Fruit Fly free

I need to heed this sign.

So where does the banana/fruit fly-decision come in? That came when I decided not to tell B about my blog. Yeah, I confess, I have sinned. No, I’m not Catholic and I do not regret the decision (yet). I probably will not tell her anytime soon either (maybe a death-bed confession? – nah!). She knows I read many blogs of like-minded and like-bodied people and I share a lot of posts from these blogs with her to help her understand what I am going through as well – because, let’s face it, it’s not a case of having had top surgery and it is over and done with. It’s not an end to the road, the journey continues. Hell, the road might even have forked.

I don’t feel good about hiding my blog from B, but I know the decision was the right one. I hope. Sigh. I keep on deceiving and weaving my tangled web.

How about you? Does your significant other read your blog?

No brainer

LOL! You has more brain than me parent!

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Author: Kris

Hi! I'm Kris. I live in South Africa with my life partner of 27+ years, whom I call B or Madam in my posts. We have a Pug dog child, Remi, also known as Pooch, who has graced and enriched our lives for the past 12 years.

38 thoughts on “On being 50% banana

  1. Blogs are great outlets! I really enjoy reading yours, and even though I don’t have to be secretive now, there was a time when I lived totally in the shadows, hiding even from myself. So I sure understand your feelings. Keep sharing! I’ll keep reading!

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    • Thanks, PJ! Glad you enjoy my blog. Yes, indeed, it is a huge emotional outlet. I keep pushing the shadows slowly but surely, hoping I may live on the light before I die… or forget what I wanted in the first place! 😉

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  2. My blog is pretty secret too. Only my sister and less than a handful of very good friends know about it. Not my partner. Not my children. I will – at some point – share it with them, but just not yet. I’m not ready for that yet. They might not be ready for that either.

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    • Liam, the little man with wings on my right shoulder started shouting so loudly, “Tell her!” that the one with the horns on my left shoulder, who constantly screams, “It’s your blog, you may keep it from her,” was stunned into silence. And in that silence I told B about my blog. Now she knows and I feel… relieved!

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      • Cool! I’m happy for both of you.

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      • Ooh well done! I do think blogs can be quite personal and that they don’t have to be disclosed to a partner. My partner knows about my blog and was reading it at first but as it’s about our lives, he’s since stopped reading it as he finds it hard to read, but encourages me to keep writing. Each to their own 🙂

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      • I’m glad you’ve come to some resolution about this. I think if you overwhelmingly felt like you needed to tell her that was definitely the right thing to do. Congrats! My wing men are still battling it out on this topic.

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        • Yeah, I guess the guilt would have consumed me after a while. The jury is still out on my sentence for keeping it a secret… I’m shaking in my boots! Wonder what your wing men are going to bring back after the batting?! Let us know!

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  3. My husband and I follow each other’s blogs, which being able to do that while I was deployed was really nice for me. I was going for 8 months of that first year of his transition, missing so much of it was really hard. Receiving automatic emails every time he posted something new (social media sites were blocked on the network we had so couldn’t go to WordPress directly) helped me to feel like I was staying in touch and involved with his transition. His posts were all transition oriented and often included things he didn’t say in emails. I suspect he does avoid saying things about me in his blog since he knows I read it as I’m very rarely mentioned, but I think he also just tries to keep it about his transition. I know there have been times I’ve held back in my posts since I know he occasionally reads them, not because of being worked off saying something unflattering as my struggles have nothing to do with him, but because I don’t like to seem weak to people I interact with in real life. That being said, I’ve been working to get over my insecurities and keep my blog more open in recent posts. If I can’t trust my husband with my inner feelings, then who can I trust? I do understand those that keep their blog to themselves, though. There’s a safety in anonymity that we all really need sometimes.

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    • Your relationship is special and I agree that there should be mutual trust in a relationship. I am battling with a balance between trust and shielding my spouse with her huge emotional struggles. It preys on my mind – the scale is starting to weigh heavier on the trust side and I am preparing myself to tell her. Sigh. Why is life such a series of decisions?

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  4. My partner knows about my blog, and as a graphic designer, helped me with the design and formatting. However, I think there’s kind of an unwritten/unsaid understanding that I’d rather she not read it unless prompted. I wouldn’t be upset if she read it, but truthfully, I think she needs a break from all things transition. I believe that she appreciates the fact that I’ve begun to unpack some of this in writing, which I can certainly understand.

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  5. My partner doesn’t read my blog, although he knows I blog and he could find it if he had a mind to. I haven’t gone out of my way to share it with him. This is partly because he’s not fully supportive, even if he genuinely is trying to be, which I’m not convinced about. It being private frees me to be open, honest and talk about the things I need to?

    Shouldn’t I be able to do that with him? Yes, no doubt but we don’t live in a perfect world and most conversations are as awkward as they come. Maybe it’s been getting a little easier and for that I am happy but I don’t plan on sharing my blog with him any time soon if ever.

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    • Sorry that your partner is not fully supportive, James. Our partners are travelling their own journeys to understanding and acceptance and they are not always leading in the direction our paths are going – another fact of this imperfect world we live in. I hope your partner comes to full understanding and support soon. Let us know and take care.

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  6. My lips are sealed!

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  7. Thanks for bringing up this subject as it’s been on my mind off and on for a while now. My partner does not know I blog but she does know that I read a lot of blogs. My reason for blogging is to express myself in ways that I am not able to do in the real world and I enjoy the interactions with other bloggers. Writing my blog and reading the comments and blogs of others fills a void for me. I wrote a post not that long ago in which I said something about my partner that I believe is true, yet later felt would hurt her if she were to read it, so I deleted the post. I do not use her real name for her own protection and anonymity. She did not ask to be part of an internet blog so I try to respect that. Only one person in my life knows about my blog and he is a blogger too. Similar to Claire, I feel like this is my private place to work through things that are going on in my life. A lot of what I write about is too hot a subject to share with my partner at the time. I’m also a very private person and I feel like the one thing that I should have complete control over is my thoughts and feelings. If I choose to share those with a friend or a partner that is my decision and can only be expected if I feel safe to do so. At this point, I don’t but it doesn’t mean that I don’t wrestle with the ethics of keeping this secret.

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    • Yes, I totally agree with everything you wrote, especially with the filling of a void and interaction with others. Yes, that ethics of keeping it a secret. Sigh. May it not blow up in our faces…

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  8. My partner reads my blog. At first I would just tell her about when I posted so she could go read it. I wasn’t always on top of that, so now she gets email updates to stay current. Similarly to what others have said, I’m careful not to say anything too personal about her. My most recent post (about sexual orientation) caused some friction because I did want to get into something a little heavier, so I made sure to send her a draft first, and we talked about it quite a bit. I’d never done that before. It can be tricky, but I’m really glad she is on this blogging journey (in a sense) with me!

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  9. we all blog for a reason. It is not just an outlet to what you feel or what you think. This is more like letting it go and helping others to get to the same place.

    Blogging is being an open book for those who seek this book. You have something to say and there is always someone who needs to hear it. Once you make that choice to let your pain go, you grow, and in a process you clean the house and invite a bunch of friends to join.

    Everyone knows I blog. I do not advertise it, I do not let everyone I know that I blog (announcing when I see them or talk to them) but I do share it on Facebook and twitter. It keeps me in check and allows me to be authentic. I am who I am and I will tell you the same thing if we have a discussion eye to eye or a discussion on my blog.

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  10. Donna knows about the blog, it is not exactly anonymous, I use our real first names and you if you knew me you could google enough to figure it out. She has told people about it; but she doesn’t often read it unless I tell her to – it is my thing not hers.
    I try to write honestly and she accepts that it won’t always be flattering to either of us. I’ve offered to let her guest post to give her point of view, but she is not interested.

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    • I’ve been shyer than shy all my life and being anonymous, is part of that shyness. But I’m getting better at expressing myself, especially if I can do it as Kris, my chosen and not given name. All the best to you and Donna, not forgetting Gracie.

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  11. I think that the fact that you write your own blog is a pretty small omission. I notice that you are one of a small group who consistently posts positive, supportive comments to others in a similar situation as yourself. Doing something nice is not something one needs to feel guilty about. Putting up your own blog posts is just a way of participating in that process a little more honestly.
    As long as your blog is kept somewhat anonymous, and nothing hurtful is said, you are doing right.
    I try to be conscientious about not posting anything that is more of my spouse’s business than mine. She pretends to be interested in my blogging, just like I pretend to be interested in some of her interests …

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    • Thanks so much for your viewpoint. Yes, I try to be supportive to others on the same journey, as I know how lonely a journey it can be. I also try to make my blog as anonymous as possible to protect my partner and to a degree, myself, as I work in a corporate environment where I am well known. Hurtful and spiteful is not my style. Yeah, we pretend some interests for our spouse’s sake and to keep peace in the household! My photos of pooch is real, though – I don’t think she minds being a WordPress celebrity! 😉 Have a good week.

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  12. My partner, Wild Thing, reads the occasional post but I can’t say she follows it religiously. But the issue’s a different one with us: My blog isn’t deeply personal, it’s an exploration of living in the U.K. as a foreigner. Before I started writing the blog, I drew a line in my head: Anything that would embarrass someone else lies on the silent side of the line. I’m free to look like an idiot in pixels if I want to, but that’s my choice. Since they don’t get to choose, it’s up to me to be careful.

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    • I agree, I would also not want to embarrass or hurt anybody in words – making a monkey out of myself is a different thing. Luckily I am blessed with a sense of humour that (mostly) keeps me going in stressful times (so far) and don’t mind beings seen as a fruit fly either! 😀

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  13. My wife have a trust issue since her last relationship involved a lot of cheating from her partners side. I’ve made it a point to never lie or hide anything from her, and after 15 years together, she has started to heal. She has always trusted me, but the feelings has lingered on quite some time…
    When it comes to my blog, she knows that I’m writing it and she knows that I don’t write anything that I haven’t already talked to her about. She had the address and have helped me with design-input. She knows that she are free to read it whenever she want to, and I usually tell her every time I’ve posted a new post. She does not, however, read the blog on a regular basis. It took her a few months before she read anything since she feels that it is my place where I must be able to express myself freely. When she started to read some of the post, she felt more close to me and started to understand me more. She will continue to read the posts in her own time as she gets more comfortable with my transition.

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    • With those trust issues of your wife, it was the right decision, Ess. I talk to my wife about the stuff I write about in my blog and do not feel I gossip about her in my posts without her knowing. She has read some of my posts, like Wedding Day and the Big Move in story format before. If I do write about her or our relationship, it is nothing that she would be upset about if she should read it. I just do not think she is ready to read everything. I feel I should rather talk to her face to face about issues around my transitioning, while my blog is a kind of diary for myself, like I told Claire in my comment to her.

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  14. Mine is a secret too! Only one other person knows of it, I feel it’s mine, like a diary so actually they don’t need to know. It’s a place you can reveal your feelings without upsetting those around you.

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