“I see your true colours
And that’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid, just let them show…”
~ Phil Collins
A while ago, I attended a workshop on Emotional Intelligence and part of it was taking the True Colours Personality Quiz. I had done the same test about a year ago, with a different psychologist and had expected to be Gold, but to my surprise, I had gravitated to Green.
I spent some 40+ years changing colours like a chameleon. There was the grey blending-in of my early childhood and teens, where I could only try out a vivid purple or neon green in the cavities of my mind, still confused about displaying a different colour. During late teens and early adulthood, I realized that being grey and conforming, was not the be-all and end-all. It was a social imposition, yes, but others were displaying the bright spectrum of full-coloured rainbows, daring to be different and feeling comfortable in their own skins.
I experimented with an upper layer of gay colours, first showing a single friend what I thought were my true colours. For years I only dared present my gay colours in secret. When my closeted relationship with my ex ended, she left me with new feelings of guilt and shame: being gay was a dark, black sin.
My new-found love was very much a seeker like me and her stubborn insistence that she was not gay, confused me even more. Then what was she doing in a gay relationship, loving another woman? I suppressed my rebellion, not realizing that I was harming my inner self. The volcano building inside me had to erupt and it did, but for the better. Lava solidifies to form igneous rock. I walked the journey to finding my true colour and inner rock with my partner, a compassionate therapist and a true friend that had entered my life again at this crucial time.
So possibly my change in colour in the personality test had to do with the fact that my mind had found peace and direction in accepting that I’m trans. I don’t need to be a chameleon and imitate any more. I can settle in my one own true colour.