Tangled Web

Deceptions of a transgender guy

At Eternity's Gate, Vincent van Gogh, 1890

Nine days post top surgery, or, The Black Dog


Suddenly, yesterday, the emotional Black Dog of depression showed up. No, definitely not any regrets, doubts, shame or remorse, of that I’m very sure – just a general morose feeling. Once again, luckily I had a reference point though, Micah’s Neutroise Nonsense post on Post surgical depression.

Gustave Courbet - Self-Portrait with Black Dog, 1842

I am feeling like Gustave Courbet in his Self-Portrait with Black Dog, 1842

I know I have had a radical surgical procedure – I went into the hospital with breasts and two and a half hours later, I had a chest. I have already written in an earlier post about my brain still “seeing” virtual breasts, and it is still trying to play catch up with my body. Since surgery, I have been able to look in a mirror without a feeling of shame and instant aversion of my eyes. My brain is staring in wonder at the reflection of a new flat plane where there used to be hills. And it is able to look and not be repulsed. That is the exciting adventure of the future.

The Black Dog shading me, is only a temporary companion, so I pat him gently. “Down boy, down.” He heeds.


Author: Kris

Hi! I'm Kris. I live in South Africa with my life partner of 27+ years, whom I call B or Madam in my posts. We have a Pug dog child, Remi, also known as Pooch, who has graced and enriched our lives for the past 12 years.

4 thoughts on “Nine days post top surgery, or, The Black Dog

  1. I’ve had post surgery blues every time I’ve had surgery (2 fibroid operations, a hysto, and knee surgery) – I think it is partly a reaction to the anesthesia, which took a long time to work its way out of my system, but also because there is some connection with mortality and purpose and meaningless-ness in my life.
    I’m looking forward to top surgery (hopefully by the end of the year), but I also have to accept that it will not solve my underlying problems, and it will probably kick up more psychological dust bunnies.


    • I’m sure even the blues and psychological dust bunnies putting up a combined front, will be slayed by a dream come true. I so hope I’ll be reading about your surgery. Take care.


      • Kris – are you doing anything to detox? I historically experienced post surgery depression and did not this time. I am thinking it is the detox stuff I started when I got home. Sun Chlorella, Milk Thistle (with other liver detoxing herbs), lemon in water every am, and another herbal concoction my naturopath put together for me to cleanse the blood. I am glad you are keeping the black dog at bay. Been eating a ton of veggies to keep things moving and to get a lot of nutrient rich foods…